The Difficult Art Of Saying Goodbye

When I was six I moved to London, and I’ve been here ever since. I went to primary school and secondary school in London, became a Christian in London, studied at three different universities in London, and met my fiancée in London! Being in London for the most formative moments of my life has brought me countless wonderful experiences, while bringing me difficult seasons of trials, temptations, and pruning. Alongside all of those beautiful and dark moments of life, living in London for the majority of my life has meant that there were somethings I never had to experience and process. One of those experiences is leaving what you have always known and enter a new space, new environment, and entirely new chapter of life. Even in the moments of entering new spaces (such as starting university), living in London meant I was never too far from the familiar, and I could always move in and out as I pleased. However, this time it’s different.

Over the last month, in light of my soon departure out of London and into St. Louis, I have been faced with a big question as I prepare; what does it mean to say goodbye, and what does it look like when it is done well? As I considered this question and what it asked of me, my mind went to Acts 20. In this chapter of Acts, Paul gives his farewell to the elders of the Church of Ephesus as he prepares to travel to Jerusalem.

In Acts 20:36–37, we read:

“(36) And when he had said these things, he knelt down and prayed with them all. (37) And there was much weeping on the part of all; they embraced Paul and kissed him,”

Here we find Paul’s farewell remarks instructive to us in thinking about and addressing the question of what is means to say goodbye and to do so well. In this short passage we see four things that Paul engages in, which serve as a template, and example, of what it means to say goodbye well. They can be outlined by four verbs; (1) speak, (2) pray, (3) weep, and (4) embrace.

Speak: Say goodbye with your words

It is beyond the scope of this blog post to dive deep into the details of Paul’s farewell words (vs. 18–35). What is important here is that Paul pauses to draw his attention, and the attention of the ephesian elders, to his time with the Church, and to God’s faithfulness to them during that season. When Paul stops to reflect on his three years in Ephesus, how does he describe it? He doesn’t give statistics on his efficiency or effectiveness, nor does he speak to the accomplishment of high performance tasks. When he speaks of his time in Ephesus he speaks of values, virtues, and convictions. He speaks about his faithful pursuit of humility (vs. 19), of his devotion to ministry in ‘tears and with trials’ (vs. 19), his conviction to preach and live as a witness to Jesus Christ (vs. 20–22; 27), and so on.

It is easy, when saying goodbye, to think only of what is ahead and to speak of the excitement or trepidation that the future brings. However, it is just as important to attend to our shared past with those we are leaving. Attending to our shared past offers us the opportunity to see the fullness of life in the faithfulness of God, and serves as a reminder of how our lives are always about more than just ourselves.

Following his reflections on the past, Paul also looks forward — not just for his sake, but for the sake of Ephesus. He calls them to be attentive to the needs of the flock, to be alert of wolves, and to cultivate habits of service and the posture of giving. In all of this, Paul is building, for the elders, a vision of the future that is rooted in the sustaining grace of God, and the flourishing of others. Transitions can be excellent opportunities to become distracted. Distracted by the glittering possibilities of what is ahead, or distracted by the gloomy storms of what is to come. One could easily imagine that the elders may be experiencing a deep and profound sense of fear as to what the future holds for their church with Paul leaving — but Paul will not allow such fears to be entertained! Just as much as transitions can be excellent opportunities to become distracted, they can serve as excellent opportunities to renew our commitments to the vision, values, and purposes inscribed in our common confession of faith.

Pray: Say goodbye with your posture

After his departing words, ‘he [Paul] knelt down and prayed with them all’ (vs. 36). Kneeling down is a symbolic act of submission, obedience, and humility before another, and in this case, Paul, with the ephesian elders, intend to declare their submission, obedience, and humility before God. While one could argue that prayer is to mark every aspect of our lives, there is a special case to be made for the unique place of prayer in seasons of transitions — and in the act of farewells. Prayer is a pouring out of our hearts before God, the One to whom we are completely dependent on. Therefore, the act of prayer is first of all a posture of humility that confesses before all [God and humanity] that even this season of transition is a result of, and remains completely dependent on, the providential and guiding hand of God.

Another way in which prayer takes a unique place in seasons of transitions is deepened sense of our needs when leaving old spaces to enter new spaces. In the ordinary routined days of life where everyday is roughly the same, one can easily become settled and quickly dull to the constant need we have for God. Transition changes that. In our moment of farewells we become acutely aware of our needs and in response we find the immense grace and pleasure of bring them before God. John Fawcett, in one of his hymns, puts it like this:

“Before our Father’s throne,
We pour our ardent prayers;
Our fears, our hopes, our aims are one,
Our comforts, and our cares.” (John Fawcett)

Yes, all our fears, our hopes, our aims, our comforts, and our cares, all of them are poured out before God, even as we kneel together in prayer.

Weep: Say goodbye with your heart

To say goodbye well is to recognise the good and lasting impact that someone, some place, or something has left on you. It is to weep, for in weeping we attest to the goodness of what is being left behind. In his book ‘voice of the heart,’ Chip Dodd writes, concerning sadness,

‘Sadness is the feeling that speaks to how much you value what is missed, what is gone, and what is lost. It also speaks of how deeply you value what you love, what you have, and what you live… And we need to grieve deeply when people we love depart… We cannot delight deeply in anything or anyone unless we are willing to walk in the world of sadness.’

After Paul had said his departing words ‘there was much weeping on the part of all.’ Everyone present brought to bare the blessing of God on them through the other. The elders, in tears, spoke with their hearts the immeasurable value that Paul had been, and likewise, in tears, Paul attested to the gift of the ephesian elders (and the Church of Ephesus) in his life. Goodbyes are opportunities for us to feel deeply the gift of others, and to remind us of God’s faithfulness to us through others. This means we aren’t to fool ourselves into busying ourselves with all the ‘preparations’ we have to do, but stay conscious of being present with others even in the busyness of our preparations.

Embrace: Say goodbye with your presence

Lastly, in verse 37 we read, ‘they embraced Paul and kissed him.’ Far too often, in saying goodbye our reflex is to distance ourselves away — after all we’re leaving, aren’t we?! However, in Acts 20, we find a counter gesture: to say goodbye well we have to draw closer. The elders drew closer and embraced Paul, and in that moment they felt but one thing — the presence of the one who would leave them. This isn’t to say that they weren’t aware, or even felt, his presence before. Instead, what I want to point out is that when we embrace others we focus almost exclusively on their presence and give special attention to their being. This is a goodbye done well. A goodbye that ends with the acknowledgement of the other’s presence, dignity, influence, and impact.

In the moment of embrace, the elders kiss him. This isn’t a romantic, or erotic, gesture, but rather a gesture and act of charity and an affirmation of friendship. It is symbolic of love and brotherhood. It serves as a reminder to Paul that even in his departing he remains loved and treasured by those he is leaving. That there is a love which isn’t bound to geography and location but will instead follow one as they venture off into new territory and seasons.

If you find in the coming days, weeks, months, or even years, that you are about to say goodbye, may I gently ask you to consider how you will make your presence felt in the season of transition, and how you will experience more deeply the presence of others. It is never easy to say goodbye, but it is always better when we embrace goodbyes instead of avoiding them.

As I pack my bags, and prepare to leave…

I hope to say goodbye well. I hope that I can; speaks words of encouragement to those I am leaving, pray deep and heartfelt prayers of blessing to others in humility and gratitude, weep with my heart of the friendships and bonds forged in this great city of London, and embrace others in love, thankfulness, and hope.

I have not yet begun to actively say my goodbyes, so I will begin now.

To my family, to my friends, and to all those who God has used to speak to my heart and instruct me in faith, wisdom, and love, I close with these words. In seeking to imitate the heart of Paul, I say “help the weak and remember the words of the Lord Jesus, how he himself said, ‘It is more blessed to give than to receive’” (Acts 20:35).